CMAwful

So, there's been a scandal with the Faith Hill reaction at the CMA Awards last night. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, it was entertaining. Yes, we rewound it several times on the Tivo for a good laugh. But in my opinion, her faux pas (intended or not) was only First Runner Up in the chuckle department. What took the crown, you ask?

The FASHION (or rather, the complete lack thereof).

As of late, male country stars seem to be striving harder and harder to look like West Coast rockers. But the end result is more "let's get these farmboys drunk and let them loose in David Bowie's dressing room for shits and giggles"...less "badass musician". It's horrifying.

Exhibit A. Brooks and Dunn:
Now, Ronnie Dunn looks okay. Granted, he's sporting several pounds of gold in the form of 12 necklaces...but his bling is nothing in comparison to Kix Brooks' gold lame'-ish suit. If the tech-guys can't shine the spotlight directly on you for fear of starting a small fire, you might consider a wardrobe change. Just a suggestion.

Exhibit B. "Wait, is that guy still alive?":
Oh, Billy Ray... It looks like he took full advantage of Keith Urban's rehab stint to get a little media attention. He clearly figured he could trade in his signature mullet for Keith's highlighted, flat ironed hairstyle, throw on some incognito sunglasses and no one would know the difference. Sorry, Billy...we've got your number. The giant flavor savor gave you away.

Exhibit C. Rascal effing Flatts:


I know the quality isn't great, but there's too much train-wreckage going on with this band to be fully captured by a picture alone. Thank God for YouTube.

I almost don't know where to start. The lead singer (who is a dead-ringer for Wayne from The Wonder Years) obviously decided he needed some gold as well. In the form of a leather jacket. Which he's wearing over a rhinestone-studded t-shirt. Which he accessorized with approximately 3 necklaces AND a pair of shades...despite being inside at night.

The lone brunette dude decided he'd go more "Prince circa 1987" route with the two-toned leather blazer. Which he sasses up with dogtags, an additional necklace and extremely gelled hair.

And that brings me to the young one. Who proudly rocks a hip, highlighted, soccer mom haircut. He obviously decided he'd go for the "sexy" look with the sheer, black button down shirt that's barely buttoned. In order to maintain a small amount of decorum (read: hide his nipples), he tops it off with a shiny, snakeskin vest. (Rrrrrrr.) And for a final touch, he not only sports two necklaces...but also a "sparkle charm chain" attached to his jeans.

When the realization of this mysteriously-purposed chain dawned, I literally hooted. And rewound the Tivo. And hooted again.

In my opinion, Rascal Flatts started the costume-party-rocker look in Music City and continues to push the envelope.

Exhibit D:
1) Vest made for a small child, 2) random armband, 3) leather snakeskin, 4) gold velvet.

Exhibit E:
1) Different gold leather jacket, 2) "I'm too cool for country" Converse sneakers, 3) Purple iridescent coat, 4) dragon vest, 5) side-tasseled jeans, 6) Cindy Brady-esque hairdo.

I repeat, HORRIFYING.

And the moral of the story is: if you have testicles and I can utter the phrase "sparkle charm chain" in regards to your outfit...your stylist needs to be fired. Immediately.