You Look a Little Tense

After perusing ABC's website out of sheer desk-sitting boredom, I have one single question. Why do so many of the "dates" on The Bachelor consist of intimate couples' massages? Is this really an appropriate activity for a first (or even forth) date? I don't think so.

These massage scenes are sometimes so awkward that I find myself averting my eyes in embarrassment. Like, maybe if I don't watch, it will never have happened. There they are, laying naked on tables while two ambiguous white-clad figures commence prodding. As the two stare into each other's eyes and hold hands across the tables...I just want to leave the room. And wretch.

There is absolutely nothing that appeals to me about this "date". If I was on the show, I'd be dragging MY massage table into the adjoining room. Or better yet, high-fiving the other girls left back at the house out of sheer joy that I didn't get chosen for the naked-stranger-touch-fest.

Let's just step back into reality for two seconds. I mean, you barely know this person. And you're being asked to strip naked (which the logistics of doing so without being seen are mind-boggling) and then make (highly uncomfortable) conversation in front of two diligently working strangers. While holding hands. Because you so obviously have a "connection".

Now, I've never actually HAD a massage. To be honest, the whole thing kind of scares me. See, I'm uberticklish. To the point that I can barely get through a pedicure. Let alone a masseuse kneading my butt cheeks.

There I'd be, in this contrived romantic setting, gripping this poor bastard's hand while squirming mercilessly...until managing to fall off the table, losing not only my scrap of a towel, but my dignity as well. TRULY the stuff of nightmares.